back to my roots

So, last night I realized that it's been quite a while since I sat down and wrote (creatively). It made me go back to the last set of things i wrote a few months ago. I've decided to post them here. Please feel free to read/browse/comment.

My reaction to the Peace Rally in commemoration of the death of Yitzhak Rabin:

My back sends reminders of its discomfort, which I gladly ignore. You see, I am busy, busy giving up my voice, a martyr in the name of Peace’s survival. We lean back and open up our memories and our souls and let the Hope pour out. He stands next to me, a complete stranger. Green shirt. Slightly taller than most. Broad shoulders. Sneakers that have done a fair amount of traveling. These are the things I know about him. But we stood there and for the moment, we were “we” and not just a “him” and a “me.” The words erupt without invitation, a mosaic of accents and intonations gluing the air together. We live together in this moment. We live in the blood of the tears we wipe away too quickly. We live in the salt of our optimism, exaggerated and mistrusting. All 200,000 of us, including the “he” and the “me” that are for the moment a “we.” I know that our voices will soon abandon their temporary engagement. Perhaps they will collide, without purpose, as I squeeze by his now domesticated sneakers on the train, or while ordering pita and houmus to satisfy the impatience of empty stomachs. Or not. The moment gives birth to “we,” only to remind us of it’s conditional existence as the Hope fades and the murmur of the crowd grows. Even so, the temporary invention of “we” reverberates and, perhaps, brings us one step further down the path Rabin started 10 years ago.

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A short story (very short): Table for Two Minus One

The second of the two waxy brick red candles flickers slightly before joining me and its twin in a sigh of “I give up.” Not long ago they awaited patiently in the middle of my modest but sturdy mahogany table; two darling ballerina legs of grace, ushering in the evening. Now I see them for what they truly are: Hallmark-ridden, cliché molds of romance, a category that, given the situation, seems utterly appropriate.

Fuck it. Where’s the corkscrew? It’s times like these that I crave the headache I know will pound quietly on my temples tomorrow morning should I actually finish the bottle. At the very least it would interfere with my need to analyze my overanalysis of what just happened. If I wasn’t so goddamn rational, I would pull one of those Almodovar film stunts, where the enraged woman thrashes about her apartment, uniting the porcelein dishes and tiled floor with a chaotic yet purposeful sweep of her hand. But despite my anger and clearly warranted frustrations, my next thought would surely be: shit, now I have to clean this up too.

My gut instinct seems to have gone on vacation to Vegas. I just see her now, gambling away my sanity on a pair of Aces. As it turns out, she’s only around when I’m already making the “right” decision. “Uh-huh, yup, that’s what I would have done too,” she declares with confidence. Wow. Thanks. Really. Where the hell was she yesterday when I bought and put on layaway each and every word that slid off his tongue. Sure you can come over for dinner. Sure you can apologize and make me laugh. Sure you can act like it’s water under the fucking bridge. Like a baby with a passé fire, I know it’s not the real thing, but apparently I’ll suck my little heart out just to sleep easy, won’t I?

Thanks to a bottle of red wine and some too-old-but-I-don’t-care-right-now Milky Way bars, I’ll be out within the hour. Here’s how it’ll happen: I’ll flip back and forth between “Sleepless in Seattle” on TNT and “Casablanca” on AMC, and avoid commercials as much as possible. The last thing I need right now is some soft, gimmicky barbie voice asking me if I want to meet local singles, how they can surely find the right match for me within minutes. Very funny. I’m not amused. I’ll somehow convince myself that the world is trying to mock me and put on the ugliest pajamas I own before crawling into my now way too big bed. I’ll fall asleep quickly but wake up within a half hour to realize that I have a rancid taste in my mouth from stale chocolate and too much wine. Some Colgate action and eye-makeup remover later, I’ll collapse back onto the mattress even though sleep now seems frivolous. Dreams will conquer sooner than expected and tomorrow morning will arrive without invitation per usual.

Having it all planned out makes it easier to avoid. I pick up the phone.

He picks up on the fourth ring. The one that says he wasn’t sure he was going to answer it, but decided at the last minute that it would be easier than having to call me back, perhaps.

“Heeyyyy hon, I was just about to call you.”

This is a lie. I can’t even convince myself otherwise because when someone picks up on the fourth ring it’s a sign that either they had the phone on hand and weren’t going to call you, or the phone was far away, and they weren’t going to call you. I tell him this.

“No. You weren’t. But we can pretend if it makes you feel better.”

“What’s wrong?? Why the trigger-happy tone of voice?”

He took a stab at ignorance, I’ll play along perhaps. Ok, no I won’t. There’s too much blood in my wine stream.

“You missed an amazing dinner tonight. Leek and spinach cream soup. Sauteed garlic and lemon on chili pepper spiced salmon. Pistachio and walnut mousse. And the worst part is that you made me miss it too. Food served on tables for two minus one lose all flavor, you know? It’s basic culinary law.”

I heard him silently stutter…so I continued.

“And the thing is, I was ready for my two classic “c’s” – clarity and closure. Yesterday the deck of cards was shuffled and placed neatly on the table, ready to be slid into the box, neatly and without too much fuss. But you pleaded. You jumbled. You called me the Queen of Hearts and promised to abandon the ways of a Joker. And you won. You won without my even putting up a real fight. And throughout today your words let my heart convince what’s left of my sanity that I could spend concert money and thesis preparation time on something much more worthy: dinner with my future. And now your silence and lack of explanation delivers exactly what I’ve been looking for. I’ve finally found my clarity. And as for closure…”

The phone beeped it’s monotone nod of approval as I place it back on the charger. The ringer is turned off of course. The end of the evening has arrived, and I am drunkenly grinning as tears whisper down my cheeks. I open the dead-bolt and let it all in. Tomorrow hangs over the arm of the loveseat where I doze off, and I let National Geographic’s explanation of bird migration lull me away from clarity.

Closure.

the wonderful world of text messaging

So I'm not sure why I hadn't really thought of it until a couple days ago, but Dianna and I are now conversing via sms, which is so so nice. Yes, it's slightly more expensive than email (free) but definitely cheaper than calling (have yet to find really good rates). And beyond that i just really like sms. Yes, it's true that it's nice to disconnect from everything once in a while and just enjoy the surroundings. But that's why the phone has an on/off button, you know? But how fun is it that I can get text messages from Morogoro, Tanzania?? :-)

I'd like to give a shout-out to my sister who is currently working her ass off -- and essentially has been for the last two years -- with her doctorate program. YOU CAN DO IT! And knowing her, she'll finish it all with about 9 and a half seconds to spare, but having completed a flawless work of art...or psychology, rather.

I'm going to the kibbutz this evening to visit, which should be fun. It'll be my first time there without any of my Ulpan buddies, and I'll probably see people walking in and out of our old rooms, which is always odd -- kind of like being in an old dorm room at college and realizing that the whole experience and atmosphere left when you did and someone has since replaced it with their own version of Room Blah blah blah, Such-and-such Hall. But in any case I'm excited to go back and see both Tzofit and Roie and perhaps my old boss and co-workers in the laundry room.

Enzywayz...I saw a great apt the other night on the corner of Dizengoff and Jabotinsky...keep your fingers crossed people! The guy wasn't sure if his sister is going to move in with him, so if that doesn't happen and they are offering it, hopefully I will be the one they choose to move in! I'll keep you posted.

Work continues to go well. I have a good amount of things on my to-do list all the time, so the time goes by rather quickly and I am learning a good deal about this world of venture capital. It doesn't hurt that the view outside is beautiful (most days) and my co-workers send me funny forwards to help ourselves procrastinate :-P

There are so many new cds coming out in the near future that i want...Tower Records, you and I are going to have some quality time together...I can feel it... and Sara Bareilles has started (finally) recording her next album which i am so so so excited for. She also has a blog I realized, and I have to say, her writing style is quite entertaining. Check her/it out if you want: http://www.sarabmusic.com/

Ok, time to get back to work. I also have to work with Riki to find a fun place for me and the family to all spend the weekend together when my mom is here (a birthday bash of sorts). Probably at a kibbutz somewhere in the North. we'll see.

להיתראות :-)

just a little update

it's been a little while and i just thought i would update whichever dear souls actually read my rants and ramblings about life...

had a pretty low-key weekend, involving friends and family and sleeping, just as it should be :-)

today is the first of my many days to come (hopefully!) working full time here. It's going well thus far and I am learning more about this whole world called "venture capital" which meant very little to just a month ago. What can I say, it's nice to be using my brain once again.

Yesterday my Dad went to visit Jared and Mary since he's down in Florida for work and only about an hour away from where they live. I found it amusing how he asked me if Mary was the type to be ok with the kind of bear-hugs my dad is used to giving...I said I'm sure she'd be fine and in any case, probably got a proper warning from Jared :-)

i actually have a good amount to do, so i'll leave it at that for the moment. but i'll write again soon and hopefully have something interesting to say...cross your fingers that it will be along the lines of "this is my new address because i found an apt..."

ciaaaaaaaooooooo.

shuv holechet b'rothschild...

pretty much every day i walk down Rothschild in Petach-Tikva to the bus stop where i take the #51 to Tel Aviv (to work). For the most part I just take what comes first: a bus or a shared taxi since the price is the same and until a couple days ago I didn't have a monthly pass (only good on buses). Then, yesterday morning, I am sitting at work (at which I arrived by bus), and I hear from Riki and then read the news that a young-adult Palestinian man boarded one of these route #51 shared taxis (which are supposidly the "safer option") and started attacking the passengers with a knife.

now, most of you know me well enough to realize that as hard as it is to keep everything in context, I do my best when it comes to these things. In my head I know that the circumstances that drive a culture of people to reach such disgusting and repulsive human behaviors must be beyond awful. At the same time it's moments like this when I think that people are just crazy and that there's no reasoning behind it that can comfort you and make you rationalize the seemingly irrational.

Ahhh...I don't really want to write about this anymore. I just want to say that I am happy I am safe and I will NOT discontinue riding shared taxis or buses or any other form of transportation. I will wake up and walk down Rothschild to my bus station and make my way to work. I will do whatever I can to live life exactly the way I want to until the minute that it's taken from me. It's too short regardless of the craziness of other people, and I'm not about to hand over whatever time I do have just because it's not safe. Nothing's safe. Life isn't safe. And being bored out of your mind from not doing anything because it isn't "safe" isn't living either.

Ok, enough of that. onto GOOD NEWS. My mom is coming on March 19th!!! This year's birthday will most definitely involve a party so that I can invite everyone I love in this country to come celebrate and enjoy my mom being there to celebrate with me :-) Twenty-four may not be such a big year, but i think it will be a fun one for me. Plus, Riki, Oren and Neta all have birthdays around the same time so a big party would be more than appropriate, right? right.

Otherwise, the apt. search continues. I saw a pretty cute place yesterday near tzomet Dizengoff and Gordon (very close to both the beach and my grandmother). we'll see what happens with that.

Yalla, time to get back to work. Just thought I would write a bit to catch up with the world, etc. Hmm, now (thanks to the title of this entry) I'm in the mood for some Miri Mesika :-)

full time baby

wellll...hello. it's been a couple days, and since i've been pretty good at updating frequently this feels like a long time :-)

so, i am at work, but soon to be leaving and i figured i would just let everyone out there know that this job that started out part-time will in fact become full time within a week or so!! well, it was never discussed officially...but basically i mentioned to one of my co-workers that it didn't seem to be that this whole experience would end in a week or so, and she first looked at me like i had fallen from the sky and then said something to the extent of "clearly...it wasn't obvious to you?" and I just said ok, just checking, making sure i'm not mistaken. And so we talked briefly about hours and such and basically when i am working full time, no one really cares what hours as long as things happen the way they should and i am doing what needs to be done. in other words if things are on track there's not reason to stay just to stay and if things are still left to do, it's understood that i will make sure they are taken care of before heading out...SO, at least until the end of March (first closing for the fund), i will be here mostly starting a little later and leaving a little later...and whatever else i think i need to do. it's really really nice knowing that they just trust me to get it done and aren't too worried about the inbetween. sometimes my boss likes to check to make sure i really get what he means...but for the most part he seems pretty sure that i'm very much on top of it all. it's good to since i'm finally understanding what the hell is going on around me :-P

enzywayz...que mas...oh yeah, Iris got the shirt Liz and I sent her today which is good fun. The shirt was awesome (and perfect for her!) it said: I'M A VIRGIN (in big bold white letters, on a black shirt), and then underneath it says in parentheses "this is an old shirt." brilliant, really.

ok, time to go. this should be a pretty low key weekend i think. oh can i just also mention how it is SO odd to me that i know pretty much NO ONE in this city and yet i've managed to run into someone i know every day? (sometimes the same people, like the way i saw Yosi and Arturo about 5 times in the last week, three of them NOT on purpose) and then today I ran into Roie and Rubi (btw, Amitai, the dog-bite looks much better but is not totally healed yet) walking down Allenby.

the apt hunt goes on...i'll keep you posted.
ciao :-)